Still trying to figure things out
..or maybe that's just an excuse for not writing a single thing or even doing a single thing in the past two months. I can't remember the last time I did something useful or constructive, and in the past week I have been living in my bed, waking up and getting up occasionally to eat and stuff.
I spent the holidays with my family and it was sad and wonderful and I am never happier than when I am with them and I wish we didn't all have to live so far away from each other. But I know it's the way things have to be.
This phase in my life is inexplicable and mysterious to me, but I am living it out and hoping that somewhere unconsciously the knots are being untied and the thread of my existence is unfolding once again before me. For now, I am caught between the tangles and paralysed, like a fly caught on a glistening spider's web, a both internal and external power forcing me to patiently wait for the silky fibers to snap, releasing me once again to life.
From the blank and depressed looks I always get when trying to answer the question "How are you", I realised I should only now say: "I'm good, I'm making it". For once I don't expect anyone to get what I'm saying or even where I'm coming from or even where I'm going. I half-expect to find answers or clues in books and I've taken up reading again. I take particular pleasure in reading old children's stories for a reason I have not tried to understand in depth (lost childhood, nostalgia etc etc etc).
Anyway, here is a short film I came across that clicked somewhere in my mind, I guess it captures the essence of some of the things I have been feeling lately.
The Boundaries of Life and Death from Saskia Kretzschmann on Vimeo.