Still trying to figure things out

..or maybe that's just an excuse for not writing a single thing or even doing a single thing in the past two months. I can't remember the last time I did something useful or constructive, and in the past week I have been living in my bed, waking up and getting up occasionally to eat and stuff.

I spent the holidays with my family and it was sad and wonderful and I am never happier than when I am with them and I wish we didn't all have to live so far away from each other. But I know it's the way things have to be.

This phase in my life is inexplicable and mysterious to me, but I am living it out and hoping that somewhere unconsciously the knots are being untied and the thread of my existence is unfolding once again before me. For now, I am caught between the tangles and paralysed, like a fly caught on a glistening spider's web, a both internal and external power forcing me to patiently wait for the silky fibers to snap, releasing me once again to life.

From the blank and depressed looks I always get when trying to answer the question "How are you", I realised I should only now say: "I'm good, I'm making it". For once I don't expect anyone to get what I'm saying or even where I'm coming from or even where I'm going. I half-expect to find answers or clues in books and I've taken up reading again. I take particular pleasure in reading old children's stories for a reason I have not tried to understand in depth (lost childhood, nostalgia etc etc etc).

Anyway, here is a short film I came across that clicked somewhere in my mind, I guess it captures the essence of some of the things I have been feeling lately.

The Boundaries of Life and Death from Saskia Kretzschmann on Vimeo.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Go directly to the Heart

Personal interpretation, with the aim of providing hope and comfort

The Buddha is my Mother (and my Mother is I)