Showing posts from 2019

Isle of Rum

There's something about a place that is dominated by is is constantly in the process of eroding away, of attack by the elements. One has to keep their guard up when facing life or one has to hide. Yes perhaps this place is hostile. Did I feel this way in Indonesia? In some ways, perhaps, though the energy there was different, more feminine even. 

It seems that people (the Europeans) have touched this land everywhere and destroyed her (or altered her irrevocably) made her un-natural, much like they have done to their inner nature, and to us. What is the point of management? Nature doesn't need management, it needs relating to - ultimately, loving. Out inner nature, like outer nature, is a stranger to us. Naming it will never be enough because we have not asked or ever honestly intended to enter her inner longings deeply, to partake of her dreams, to become her rightful children. We sit here, arrogantly, still thinking we are in control, we are her gu…

Acceptance (2018)

I have reached a point of acceptance in my life.

Acceptance of my mother's death.

Acceptance that I am living here.

Acceptance that my life didn't turn out the way I had planned.

Acceptance of my imperfection.

A great calm has washed over me.

I accept that nothing can define me, and that ultimately, I am unknowable even to myself. I embrace the mystery, I welcome the mystery.

In a world of rife dualities, I do not want to create more for myself.

For now, I am tending my inner garden.

Initiation (2017)

Yes, I can say it.
My mother's death was an Initiation.
It was an Initiation into the knowledge of the generative force of Life.
It was a welcoming into the heart of Mother Earth, the Great Mother
who shared with me the secret of the Seed, of the Cocoon, of the Womb
the secret of Birth, of Home, of Belonging
the truth of Cyclical Time, Infinity
Eternity, Metamorphosis, Actualization
Authenticity, Matter, Meaning, Blood
Hope -

Possibility Part 1 (written Fall, 2017)

Around 2010 I started having nightmares at a higher frequency and intensity than ever before. My insomnia peaked around the time of my mother's illness and death and has been on and off ever since. I have good weeks where I mostly sleep well, I have bad weeks with nightmares every night, tossing and turning all night long and getting up exhausted. I'm so used to it most times I even know the flavour of nightmare I'm going to have, as they are mainly recurring. Even my exhausted brain can't even come up with anything original, it just throws a good old tried and tested configuration of horrors.

Well this week has been one of those zombie weeks for me when I just go through the motions and wait for the whole thing to blow over. When I feel this way I try to take it easy, mostly. While in the past I resisted the whole thing and made it worse, I have learned to (still clumsily) surrender to it and let it run its course like the flu. I practice self compassion, which mostl…

2017 in a nutshell

All my troubles begin with a single thought: That I can control Life.

It all boils down to that. That's when I start tumbling down that great black hole of MEH which spits me back out in the light a couple of weeks later, dazed and blinking at the sun.

Whether that's a back injury that incapacitates me or a misfortune I didn't prevent, or a mass extinction of animals that I cannot halt or a loved one whose pain I cannot take away or a job I didn't get, there exists somewhere this thought that I could have done better, that I have failed.

This thought leads to fear, separation, shame, guilt. These in turn may lead to anger or anxiety or in my case, an inwards-directed anger of particular bitter flavor called depression.

Where does this thought come from?

It stems from belief in this I that is unworthy, flawed, bad, broken, useless.

Like all beliefs, I picked this one up along the way.

I am slowly, but surely, not buying into that belief anymore. Not only do I not believ…